Moments…oh how they pass by so quickly… December 24, 2009

It is so incredibly true…

I remember a friend in high-school talked to me one day…she said that it made her sad to think that she couldn’t wait to get the morning over with to get to lunch, and the rest of the day over with to get home, and to get her homework done so she could go to bed…The thought occured to her that she was basically rushing all of her days away…and this thought made her sad and uneasy.

This conversation has stuck with me for many years and I don’t know if she would even remember having this talk.

How many moments of our lives do we wish would vanish?  When we have to work, clean, or go to class…”as soon as I get out of here I can go do….(something else that seems more appealing).

Okay…so maybe sometimes class makes me fall asleep…but what if I really tried to grasp a deeper meaning out of that hour or two?  I think it would make a difference.

I have a desire to grasp more out of moments in each day I live. I know I can with God’s help.

Yesterday my mom told me to take the puppy outside. Sitting on the nice warm couch I did not feel like moving…eventually I begrudgingly moved my way outside.

There was a glistening layer of snow on the ground. I noticed how it sparkled with the sun beams reflecting off of it. My puppy started playing in the snow…and I began to run around the backyard with her. I caught myself laughing really hard….and then I took a moment to think…

All I wanted to do was sit inside, but if I didn’t embrace this random moment of my life, I never would have experienced the laughter in that instant…

Sometimes I hope certain moments of the day would fade away. I know that I struggle with this daily. But I want to pray that God will give me renewed strength each day to soak in the smalls things.

It was always You December 16, 2009

In the silence I heard a sound

It was your beating heart

Oh how I wanted to listen

You see me; I am found

What can tear this apart?

In the midst of craziness; a part of me glistens.

Unseen, unheard, unsaid…

Nothing makes sense

I did not know that this much suspense…could even exist

Do I have anything to risk?

Undeniable truths give me peace

It is the Truth that I hold so desperately to

Am I worthy of anything?

In time will the pain cease?

I look ahead…all I see is You..all I want to see is You.

Only to You I can cling

Sometimes when we fall…the pain is necessary December 14, 2009

Yesterday after much lack of sleep…I was walking on my campus…only to fall down an icy hill…

As I sat there in pain I was humilated because more than one person witnessed my moment of utter failure…as I sat on the cold ground for a few moments…

I hobbled into my dorm room only to completely scare my roommate because she had no clue why I was such a mess..

After some intense minutes of getting over the shock of my clumsiness/lack of walking skills….

I understood that it is inevitable that we will all fall down repeatedly in life…(figuratively, but if your me; figuratively and literally!)

Why is it so easy to feel helpless when something unexpected happens and we don’t think we can handle it? Through these past couple of weeks I have realized that sometimes we have no choice but to face crazy challenges and circumstances. I am me because of  all the times I have been hurt, emotionally damaged, bruised….whether not I can even fully understand what I am writing about…I am more complete because of these painful times.

The lessons learned through life experiences are completely necessary to improve human character. I don’t ever want to settle and think that I’ve reach some height; where I can’t see the many areas of myself that need improvement. 

Even something as small as falling down an icy hill can teach some kind of lesson…

Nothing is the same… December 12, 2009

I began this blog because I felt like I had so much in my head that only made sense when I  wrote it down…I failed with keeping up with it, considering it has been literally months since I attempted to write.

So many aspects of my life have completely changed…

My joy overrides my pain.

I deeply care about a boy. He was in my life for over a year…and he will always be in my prayers until the day I die.  I thought I could take away his pain…striving everyday to understand this deeper side…only to discover that I would never be that person to cease the hurt inside of him. The blame cannot be put on him. After all, why would someone not act upon a connection if it was really there? Oh how I wanted so badly to connect with him…

There was great meaning and purpose in the relationship; although it is difficult to understand. I learned that my heart is vulerable and longs for love. It is not possible to find complete fulfillment in someone. God is the only one that can take hold of my heart and fill me until I am overflowing with joy. Even in the mist of pain I can feel this deep joy, love, understanding, hope…

I want this boy to understand that he is loved. God cares about him so deeply that He would allow him a new beginning. This is not the end…the possibilities of life are indescribable and endless. I believe this so strongly as I sit here and type fiercely with tears in my eyes…

How am I supposed to react when I see him? As I see him in the distance why am I instantly filled with a tremendous amount of pain? Oh God please heal this situation…without you there will never be hope of friendship and healing…

There is a need to write this down for anyone to see. Why should I hide my pain?

Beyond my pain God is restoring me…I do not deserve His mercy. God has provided me with comfort through people…people who were always there but I never took the chance to see. People who see me so clearly its as though I am transparent. I do not have to pretend to be anything, anyone…I can be me. I am me. Through this I am discovering pieces of my heart that I never knew were there…Is this real? It can’t be…it is…oh how its the most real life has ever been…undeniable truths that God is revealing…

Everything has changed

Yet a part of me has always be the same; only it longed to be found

I am found

I am loved

I am thankful

I have no words that can make sense

No words…

Too many words…jumbled to the point of craziness.

I am insane…

I am sustained

Nothing is the same…

To complain or not to complain…do I have a right? April 17, 2009

Today was interesting to say the least. I wanted to test myself and see if I could go an entire day without complaining….I failed. Predictable? Perhaps it is just not possible to go a certain amount of time without saying a complaint. This thought is not a pleasant one. To think that I couldn’t even stop complaining when I was determined not to. I was running and caught myself complaining about how tired I was. I was frustrated about a printer not being avaiable so I was complaining to myself. I knew that I had yet to do my calc homework…and what do you know; another complaint.

I don’t want to accept these complaints. I was scared by my thought…if I complained a lot today when I was trying not to, how much do I complain when I’m not even thinking about it?  We live in a society where many things are viewed as a right and not a gift. So my bed at school isn’t the most comfy…why do I even deserve a bed? Why not a dirt floor? So the food at college isn’t gourmet. Can I even fathom what starvation is? Maybe I have homework to do, practices to go to, papers to write. Did God promise me a college education? These are just some examples that entered my head. I know that I have complained about each one of these circumstances.

Philippians 2:14-15 ESV states, “Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.”

Read that verse again…

I have a Savior, Jesus Christ. Children of God have a responsibility to strive for perfection. We know that we are not blameless and innocent, but my dad posed and interesting point to me once. He said something like…we need to take the attitude, by the grace of God I will not sin again…and if I do I will continue to strive for perfection with the help of my Savior…

By excusing complaints because we know that we are human and that we will complain, we ARE NOT striving for perfection. It’s not that you should run yourself into the ground if you mess up, but when are we going to truly make a conscience effort to be like Christ? When does that begin?

Complaining opens the door to more sin. So maybe I’m complaining that I’m tired. I feel excused because I had a hard practice and therefore I have the right to complain. A few minutes after I’m done complaining I stub my toe really hard, and swear extremely loud. Some of my friends start laughing because I look funny from the pain I’m experiencing so I curse them under my breath. Someone comes up to me a few minutes later and wants to talk about a serious issue and needs some advice. I’m so caught up in the spirit of complaining and tiredness that I half listen to what they are saying. I missed an opportunity to witness about Christ….and it goes on and on…

This may be an unrealistic example, or maybe not. The point is, is there ever an end to the consequences of complaining? Can I be open to accepting the fact that maybe I should praise God for what I have, instead of what I lack? I don’t want to get to a point where it is easier to make a list of complaints over a list of blessings in my life. The list shouldn’t EVEN COMPARE! Take ten seconds to think of anything you could or want to complain about…Now take ten more seconds to think of anything you are thankful for. Which list was easier to make? I was taking the test myself.

Why did Paul feel the need to state in 1 Corinthians 10:9-11  ESV , “We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents, NOR GRUMBLE, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer. Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come.” As Paul speaks about the Israelites, it is amazing to ponder the thought…Did they fall into their sin as a result of extreme complaints? This passage brings out complaints and/or grumbling as a sign of defeat! No one wants to be defeated by the enemy or their flesh. The victory over complaining is a constant battle! WE MUST NOT GIVE IN.

As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are not alone in this battle! This is the good news! “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the might hand of God so that at the proper time he may exult you, casting All YOUR ANXIETIES ON him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 3:16 ESV  What a joy to know that we do not have to bury the pain and hurt deep within ourselves. We are FREE to give it up to God. Some other translations describe anxieties as worry (ISV), care (KJV), and troubles (Bible in Basic English)

We are blessed as individuals. Even if your world feels as though it is crashing down, you are breathing! If you are tired think about Jesus’ weariness as He carried His own cross to the place He would die before He rose again. If you are hungry think of the homeless, the starving children, the persecuted Christians in prison all over the world.

I want to take this attitude into every day for the rest of my life. I know it is so incredibly easy to complain, but what gives me the right to do so? God’s Word does not excuse it. We are supposed to turn to God in every situation. Complaining is not trusting in God to any degree.

I want to end this post with this thought…if you are trusting in God for your salvation, why doubt that God can help you in any situation…including the desire to complain?

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 ESV

i don’t know why i dream… April 11, 2009

Sometimes I have dreams…and I don’t know why or if they mean anything. I think that I dream frequently, at least a couple times a week, if not more. Last night may of been the most vivid dream I have had in a long time.  Part of me is truly excited because I know that this dream was truly from God. I woke up this morning and could not stop thinking about it.

This was my dream…

I was filled with this overwhelming joy. I knew that I had died. There was this everlasting peace that surrounded me. A heavenly peace that can only be found in God’s presence. I was in this large place…impossible to clearly describe because the details were so surreal. Anticipation filled me because I knew that I was about to see my Jesus face to face. I could only imagine embracing Him and I wanted to dance because I so filled with joy. I looked around and saw some people that I recognized. They kept asking me questions with tears in there eyes. One question was, “Where am I going? Tell me, I need to know!” The desperation in their voices was incredibly real. They were also dead, and on there way to Hell. I wanted so badly to save them from the quenching fires ahead, but I knew it was too late. I started to recognize some of these people crying out in fear as friends of mine. I wanted to cry because I love my friends and I could not bear to think of them going to this place of eternal darkness. I was still filled with joy because I had the peace that God gave me, but I couldn’t help but feel desperate for them at the same time.

I suddenly had the desire to see my friend Lee. I started calling his name and he appeared. He was glowing! He was so filled with joy and happiness. He was standing on two feet, looking extremely strong. I gave Lee a hug and felt so warm. I stood with Lee and we looked at a long line of moaning and confused people. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. All I could think about was my God, my Lord Jesus Christ. I was standing in His presence…and then I woke up from my dream.

I have been asking God to tell me the signifigance of this dream. I know that God is trying to tell me that once I am dead, I have no control over anyone’s eternal soul. I know that God was speaking to me about the friends that I saw. My heart cries about to them. I love them and do not want to suffer for all eternity. I know that I must do my part to reach and to them and show them God’s love. Sometimes it is easy to forget to think about people in light of eternity. I know that I should value everyday and every conversation or interaction I have with people on this earth. I don’t know how much longer I am going to living on this earth. I have peace in my heart about where I will be when I die. I am in love with my Lord Jesus. In my dream, I saw my friend Lee who recently passed away from cancer. He was glowing! He was standing in the presence of God completely whole. This gave me peace. This dream taught me to appreciate life on earth because we don’t know how long we have. Also, to cherish life, reach out to friends and share God’s love, even if it seems impossible at times.  I was blessed to have a dream where God’s presence surrounded me. It was so incredibly real.

Hello world! April 9, 2009

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Hi everyone! I must say…I am extremely excited to finally have a chance to start a blog.  My hope and prayer is that through this blog God can speak through me and to me! I am a student at Duquesne University in Pittsburgh. I am beginning to get involved with campus ministry. Jesus Christ is so wonderful and I am so blessed to have the family and friends that I do. Even when times are not easy I can turn to God for comfort and He never forsakes me. My life did not always revolve around God. I cannot imagine any other possible way in the world to live now that I am walking down this path of mine hand in hand with my God. I have realized that living for Jesus Christ brings fulfillment and joy that cannot be found anywhere else in this world. I am getting to a point in my life where many things are changing, and sometimes it can be very overwhelming. My trust is in Christ. Where else could it be? This year of college has been filled with unexpected circumstances. So here I am…another day that I am living, breathing, thinking. I want to count my blessings everyday! Christ is so amazing…I will never find enough words to say about my Lord…and so my blog begins…but my journey with Jesus Christ never ends.